First and foremeost, heartfelt thanks to everyone who has passed on their kind thoughts following news of the miscarriage. I really do appreciate it.
And thank you to Zinnia for pointing me in the direction of Boob Pencil. So much of Clare's experince mirrors mine, and there's a comfort in reading about someone else going through, and ultimately coming out of the other side of, the same load of shit. "21 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is A Bit Rubbish" made me laugh, a lot, at a time when I didn't think I could manange to twitch the corners of my mouth into any semblance of jollity. The following excerpts were especially welcome [& I hope it's ok to reproduce this here?]:
(11) It goes on forever. I think most people assume (I certainly did) that you collapse in a big pile of blood for a few hours, and then it's all over. But no. It takes days, sometimes weeks, for it all to come out. And modern scanning techniques mean you often know (as we did) it's going to happen before it actually happens. So first you get the waiting. Then the bleeding. Then more waiting. More scans. More bleeding. And so on. It's rather tiresome.
(12) You don't get anything proper to grieve over, so you feel you have to gloss over it all the time. Unfortunately, your hormones don't agree.
(14) Babies and pregnancies and all related matters are fucking everywhere. You will not escape.
(15) It's a very common complaint. It doesn't even make you special. At least if I'd given birth to a half-horse-half-hippopotamous it would have given us something to talk about.
(19) People's faces. Ally said last week he didn't want to go into work cos he couldn't be arsed arranging his face. People are either too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. I don't want people to act like nothing's happened, but I don't want them fawning all over me either. Sorry folks, you're best avoiding me for a bit. I don't have an Etiquette Guide for this one, and I'll change my mind from one moment to the next.
(20) Sick leave. The pain and the bleeding come and go. The tears come and go. Sometimes I'm fine. I feel crap for taking all this time off work. But I really don't want to go to work. But I still feel guilty.
Number 20 is especially pertinent to me. I took all of last week off work. Coming back on Monday was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because I dreaded the sympathetic head tilt and wan smile that I’ve seen a thousand a day since it happened (see number 19 above), but because it marked the end of it all. Back to normality.
When I was pregnant I loved having this tiny little secret that I carried wth me everywhere. And even following the miscarriage everything in my life was still all about the baby and the pregnancy, albeit the loss thereof. I enjoyed (as far as possible, given the circumstances) my week of coccooned protection from reality. Things were still going on outside my four walls, but they didn’t touch me. I was safe, removed from it all. It was all still "special”, somehow. But starting the week on Monday was like someone had hit rewind, and I’d gone back in time two months, to the days before the wee one existed at all. And I hated that part of it, the sense of erasure. Things aren’t special anymore. My breasts don’t hurt, I don’t feel sick, I’m not exhausted. And I can’t talk to him in my head anymore, which I miss, because I used to do that all of the time.
But on the plus side I have thrown myself into reading (such an escapist pursuit) and writing (ditto), and I’ve been running again. In fact, on saturday I went running in my gorgeous local park. I was really enjoying the catharsis, until I bumped (not quite literally, but almost) into the lady from the hospital who peerformed my scans and had the unenviable job of telling me that there was no heartbeat. I ran away pretty fast, not least in case she told me off for runing 8 days aftr a miscarriage, but it shook me up quite considerably.
But I'm much much better now. I'll never be totally over it, but I'm getting as close to "over it" as I can.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sad news
Sadly impending baby #1 is no longer impending.
On Thursday I had a further scan, as I had more slight bleeding. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat.
I was advised that I would need to undergo a medical procedure to remove the foetus and associated tissue. However on Friday morning nature took care of things, and I miscarried. It was harrowing, but somehow better than an operation, and helped me to feel as if it was "finalised".
Physically, I am recovering. Emotionally, I don't think it's quite sunk in yet ~ I'm still flooded with pregnancy hormones, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer pregnant.
My husband has been outstanding in his support and care of me. We are both extremely saddened, but hope to try again soon.
In telling people I've been astounded by the number of people who have been through the same thing, and I'm finding that rather comforting. The woman who hasn't miscarried on at least one occasion is few and far between, and the vast majority of those woman have gone on to have one or more healthy babies.
Thank you to everyone for their kind comments over the last few weeks. Hopefully there'll be more good news soon (but ONLY to be announced after the magical 12 week point.)
On Thursday I had a further scan, as I had more slight bleeding. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat.
I was advised that I would need to undergo a medical procedure to remove the foetus and associated tissue. However on Friday morning nature took care of things, and I miscarried. It was harrowing, but somehow better than an operation, and helped me to feel as if it was "finalised".
Physically, I am recovering. Emotionally, I don't think it's quite sunk in yet ~ I'm still flooded with pregnancy hormones, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer pregnant.
My husband has been outstanding in his support and care of me. We are both extremely saddened, but hope to try again soon.
In telling people I've been astounded by the number of people who have been through the same thing, and I'm finding that rather comforting. The woman who hasn't miscarried on at least one occasion is few and far between, and the vast majority of those woman have gone on to have one or more healthy babies.
Thank you to everyone for their kind comments over the last few weeks. Hopefully there'll be more good news soon (but ONLY to be announced after the magical 12 week point.)
Monday, January 07, 2008
Trust in the universe
Impending baby#1 has lead us to start clearing out a lot of the old rubbish from our spare bedroom (otherwise the baby will be sleeping in the garage).
In going through my many boxes of pointless old tat I was reminded just how pretentiously "New Age" I was in my younger years ~ embarrassingly so, in fact.
Over recent years I've become much less hippy dippy ~ maybe it's age, although I think my psychology degree went a long way towards instilling a hefty dose of scientific pragmatism into me.
But I haven't lost that side of myself completely. There's still a part of me that believes that if you take a leap of faith, with the best of intentions, then the universe will throw a safety net beneath you.
Yesterday we had quite a harried day ~ I've entered the headaches and mood swings part of pregnancy, which is bringing much joy to husband and myself. We have been very worried about money ~ how we will afford the essential renovations needed to the house prior to the birth, how we will afford the mortgage once I'm reduced to Statutory Maternity Pay, how we will afford childcare once I go back to work....... And after many tears, recriminations and frantic calculations, I decided that we just had to trust that things would be alright. There are lots of people a lot worse off than ourselves, and they manage. Something would turn up, though i couldn't envisage what that would be.
And, unbeliveably, it did. This morning. Access to a wee pot of money which will see us through the renovations and ease the financial strain of my reduced maternity income.
I have never been so relieved, or so grateful. I owe an enormous "thank you" to someone or something, somewhere. So lets call that someone or something the universe.
You can take the girl out of the New Age.....
In going through my many boxes of pointless old tat I was reminded just how pretentiously "New Age" I was in my younger years ~ embarrassingly so, in fact.
Over recent years I've become much less hippy dippy ~ maybe it's age, although I think my psychology degree went a long way towards instilling a hefty dose of scientific pragmatism into me.
But I haven't lost that side of myself completely. There's still a part of me that believes that if you take a leap of faith, with the best of intentions, then the universe will throw a safety net beneath you.
Yesterday we had quite a harried day ~ I've entered the headaches and mood swings part of pregnancy, which is bringing much joy to husband and myself. We have been very worried about money ~ how we will afford the essential renovations needed to the house prior to the birth, how we will afford the mortgage once I'm reduced to Statutory Maternity Pay, how we will afford childcare once I go back to work....... And after many tears, recriminations and frantic calculations, I decided that we just had to trust that things would be alright. There are lots of people a lot worse off than ourselves, and they manage. Something would turn up, though i couldn't envisage what that would be.
And, unbeliveably, it did. This morning. Access to a wee pot of money which will see us through the renovations and ease the financial strain of my reduced maternity income.
I have never been so relieved, or so grateful. I owe an enormous "thank you" to someone or something, somewhere. So lets call that someone or something the universe.
You can take the girl out of the New Age.....
Thursday, January 03, 2008
A post with no title ..... cos I can't think of one.
It has just occurred to me that the blog title here is incredibly outdated, given that The DeadBeats novel floundered some time back and is currently in a coma, possibly to be reawakened at some unspecified point in the future. Ah well, I don't think you can change them on blogger (although if anyone knows different, please share!)
I know it's premature, but i LOVE 2008! It's been a rather sparkling start to the new year for me so far:
* Got my first 1000 words off to The "Wannabe a writer?" novel opening competition. Seriously doubt it will get anywhere (I lost track of the days due to the Christmassy suspension of real time, and ended up hastily editing it early saturday morning before diving into the post office to catch the post en route to a wedding. Not the ordered and considered approach I would have preferred). Of course, this was technically 2007, but I'm counting it as 2008 as that is when the judging will commence.
* Lots of writing done so far this year. And we're only 3 days in. Hurrah!
* Have not wigged out, panicked, or been unbalanced and control-freaky in any way shape or form yet.
* I'm pregnant so I don't have to bother pretending that I'll try and lose weight this year. Bring on the rice pudding!
* Looking back over 2007 I achieved, or made progress on, all of my goals. Yee-haw!
2008 is going to be a good 'un. I can just tell.
I know it's premature, but i LOVE 2008! It's been a rather sparkling start to the new year for me so far:
* Got my first 1000 words off to The "Wannabe a writer?" novel opening competition. Seriously doubt it will get anywhere (I lost track of the days due to the Christmassy suspension of real time, and ended up hastily editing it early saturday morning before diving into the post office to catch the post en route to a wedding. Not the ordered and considered approach I would have preferred). Of course, this was technically 2007, but I'm counting it as 2008 as that is when the judging will commence.
* Lots of writing done so far this year. And we're only 3 days in. Hurrah!
* Have not wigged out, panicked, or been unbalanced and control-freaky in any way shape or form yet.
* I'm pregnant so I don't have to bother pretending that I'll try and lose weight this year. Bring on the rice pudding!
* Looking back over 2007 I achieved, or made progress on, all of my goals. Yee-haw!
2008 is going to be a good 'un. I can just tell.
