First and foremeost, heartfelt thanks to everyone who has passed on their kind thoughts following news of the miscarriage. I really do appreciate it.
And thank you to Zinnia for pointing me in the direction of Boob Pencil. So much of Clare's experince mirrors mine, and there's a comfort in reading about someone else going through, and ultimately coming out of the other side of, the same load of shit. "21 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is A Bit Rubbish" made me laugh, a lot, at a time when I didn't think I could manange to twitch the corners of my mouth into any semblance of jollity. The following excerpts were especially welcome [& I hope it's ok to reproduce this here?]:
(11) It goes on forever. I think most people assume (I certainly did) that you collapse in a big pile of blood for a few hours, and then it's all over. But no. It takes days, sometimes weeks, for it all to come out. And modern scanning techniques mean you often know (as we did) it's going to happen before it actually happens. So first you get the waiting. Then the bleeding. Then more waiting. More scans. More bleeding. And so on. It's rather tiresome.
(12) You don't get anything proper to grieve over, so you feel you have to gloss over it all the time. Unfortunately, your hormones don't agree.
(14) Babies and pregnancies and all related matters are fucking everywhere. You will not escape.
(15) It's a very common complaint. It doesn't even make you special. At least if I'd given birth to a half-horse-half-hippopotamous it would have given us something to talk about.
(19) People's faces. Ally said last week he didn't want to go into work cos he couldn't be arsed arranging his face. People are either too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. I don't want people to act like nothing's happened, but I don't want them fawning all over me either. Sorry folks, you're best avoiding me for a bit. I don't have an Etiquette Guide for this one, and I'll change my mind from one moment to the next.
(20) Sick leave. The pain and the bleeding come and go. The tears come and go. Sometimes I'm fine. I feel crap for taking all this time off work. But I really don't want to go to work. But I still feel guilty.
Number 20 is especially pertinent to me. I took all of last week off work. Coming back on Monday was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because I dreaded the sympathetic head tilt and wan smile that I’ve seen a thousand a day since it happened (see number 19 above), but because it marked the end of it all. Back to normality.
When I was pregnant I loved having this tiny little secret that I carried wth me everywhere. And even following the miscarriage everything in my life was still all about the baby and the pregnancy, albeit the loss thereof. I enjoyed (as far as possible, given the circumstances) my week of coccooned protection from reality. Things were still going on outside my four walls, but they didn’t touch me. I was safe, removed from it all. It was all still "special”, somehow. But starting the week on Monday was like someone had hit rewind, and I’d gone back in time two months, to the days before the wee one existed at all. And I hated that part of it, the sense of erasure. Things aren’t special anymore. My breasts don’t hurt, I don’t feel sick, I’m not exhausted. And I can’t talk to him in my head anymore, which I miss, because I used to do that all of the time.
But on the plus side I have thrown myself into reading (such an escapist pursuit) and writing (ditto), and I’ve been running again. In fact, on saturday I went running in my gorgeous local park. I was really enjoying the catharsis, until I bumped (not quite literally, but almost) into the lady from the hospital who peerformed my scans and had the unenviable job of telling me that there was no heartbeat. I ran away pretty fast, not least in case she told me off for runing 8 days aftr a miscarriage, but it shook me up quite considerably.
But I'm much much better now. I'll never be totally over it, but I'm getting as close to "over it" as I can.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
I’m still here ~ just about.
Thought I’d better pop and point out that I’m still alive ~ I haven’t evaporated!
I’ve never seen myself as, nor intended to be, a confessional writer, either in my fiction or my blogging. If anything I’ve always been more of a bottler than a blabber when it comes to things that are troubling me.
This is, I realize a far lonelier and more difficult way of navigating the whirlpools of existence than it needs to be. There is something wonderful in finding kind hands reaching out to you, especially when you haven’t even asked. My husband, my parents and the close friends I’ve opened up to recently have been marvelous at offering support (emotional, financial), advice, and general loveliness. And I’m working towards being less confrontational, and more rounded, softer, receptive.
In no order of chronology or significance, the main monsters at my door are currently:
1) Tying to translate my recently completed psychology degree into a change of career (counselling). This is involving financial sacrifices, training decisions, the search for voluntary experience, and big decisions about long term family plans ~ it’s time consuming, confusing, and scary ~ like stepping off a big ledge.
2) long-term family plans ~ as in trying to start one. It hasn’t happened yet, and whilst I’m trying to be relaxed about it, as it is universally acknowledged that tension and stress are both passions killers and highly effective contraceptives. I’m the very opposite of the “que sera” mentality that I should have. And if I’m honest, we haven’t been trying that long (just over three months), but I’m not the patient type & I want everything yesterday ~ sooner if possible. So I’m finding the fact that my ovaries don’t obey my bidding rather frustrating.
Those are the main two issues ~ and they’re fairly intertwined, and then there’s other niggly stuff:
3) We’re embarking upon a major catalogue of housing renovations ~ a logistic pain in the arse, and I’m dreading the upheaval that will come with it. Add to that the fact that tradesmen don’t always arrive when they say they will (and using up my precious few remaining days off work ~ cheers!). Again, all part of that long term plan….
4) I spent a small fortune on a new pair of running shoes last week ~ and I’ve ended up with sore heels, ankles, knees and calves. So I’m not running much, which isn’t great as it’s my main form of stress release (wine not withstanding). And it means that I’m going to have to duck out of the Tynedale 10 miler this coming Sunday ~ and they give you free jelly at the end! L. Gait analysis and replacements required this weekend ! (£££££££££)
5) I chipped one of our crystal wine glasses ~ an engagement gift from my grandmother. Must have had a flaw in it as I barely tapped it against the rim of another one, and a huge lump fell out. And according to the very sullen girl who answered the phone at House of Fraser, you can only buy full set of 6, and not singular replacements. This is surely insane? Unsurprisingly I am still waiting for her manager to get back to me with details of how I can contact the manufacturer directly….. Maybe a china matching service might be able to help?
6) And that self same day I also managed to chip one of the bowls which was part of our wedding crockery (pre-menstrual dispraxia, I think ~ although I did manage to use this as a reason to get out of doing the rest of the washing up that day ~ silver lining, eh?)
7) A215 (OU creative writing course) is hitting a critical stage ~ three assignments due in the next three weeks. Yikes.
And yes, I know that a lot of this stuff is very trivial ~ I know that there are millions of people out there dealing with much much worse. None of this stuff is life or death. And some of it is downright trivial (I do have the good grace to be ashamed of myself for whining about a chipped wine glass), but the pat-a-cake piling up of stuff at a time when my emotional reserves are low and my hormones kaleidoscopic makes for a bit of a mess.
There’s good stuff too, of course, when I remember to look for it. I went through one of my old notebooks the other day, and found a lot of really good stuff in there. So much so that if I hadn’t recognized my own handwriting I would have doubted that I’d written it.
And I’ve found a few new angles for Sonia (central protagonist of the WIP), a lot of which has come out of the recent disjointedness. The splinter of ice in this writer’s heart tells me that this will all be useable, once it’s cooled a little.
Finally, I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who pours restorative wine, lights soothing candles, does the washing up and has the safest warmest arms I’ve ever felt around me. And he loves me even when there’s snot running down my face and I’m an incoherent mess.
********************
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible ~ I look forward to visiting everyone’s blogs once the job / training applications are done and dusted.
I’ve never seen myself as, nor intended to be, a confessional writer, either in my fiction or my blogging. If anything I’ve always been more of a bottler than a blabber when it comes to things that are troubling me.
This is, I realize a far lonelier and more difficult way of navigating the whirlpools of existence than it needs to be. There is something wonderful in finding kind hands reaching out to you, especially when you haven’t even asked. My husband, my parents and the close friends I’ve opened up to recently have been marvelous at offering support (emotional, financial), advice, and general loveliness. And I’m working towards being less confrontational, and more rounded, softer, receptive.
In no order of chronology or significance, the main monsters at my door are currently:
1) Tying to translate my recently completed psychology degree into a change of career (counselling). This is involving financial sacrifices, training decisions, the search for voluntary experience, and big decisions about long term family plans ~ it’s time consuming, confusing, and scary ~ like stepping off a big ledge.
2) long-term family plans ~ as in trying to start one. It hasn’t happened yet, and whilst I’m trying to be relaxed about it, as it is universally acknowledged that tension and stress are both passions killers and highly effective contraceptives. I’m the very opposite of the “que sera” mentality that I should have. And if I’m honest, we haven’t been trying that long (just over three months), but I’m not the patient type & I want everything yesterday ~ sooner if possible. So I’m finding the fact that my ovaries don’t obey my bidding rather frustrating.
Those are the main two issues ~ and they’re fairly intertwined, and then there’s other niggly stuff:
3) We’re embarking upon a major catalogue of housing renovations ~ a logistic pain in the arse, and I’m dreading the upheaval that will come with it. Add to that the fact that tradesmen don’t always arrive when they say they will (and using up my precious few remaining days off work ~ cheers!). Again, all part of that long term plan….
4) I spent a small fortune on a new pair of running shoes last week ~ and I’ve ended up with sore heels, ankles, knees and calves. So I’m not running much, which isn’t great as it’s my main form of stress release (wine not withstanding). And it means that I’m going to have to duck out of the Tynedale 10 miler this coming Sunday ~ and they give you free jelly at the end! L. Gait analysis and replacements required this weekend ! (£££££££££)
5) I chipped one of our crystal wine glasses ~ an engagement gift from my grandmother. Must have had a flaw in it as I barely tapped it against the rim of another one, and a huge lump fell out. And according to the very sullen girl who answered the phone at House of Fraser, you can only buy full set of 6, and not singular replacements. This is surely insane? Unsurprisingly I am still waiting for her manager to get back to me with details of how I can contact the manufacturer directly….. Maybe a china matching service might be able to help?
6) And that self same day I also managed to chip one of the bowls which was part of our wedding crockery (pre-menstrual dispraxia, I think ~ although I did manage to use this as a reason to get out of doing the rest of the washing up that day ~ silver lining, eh?)
7) A215 (OU creative writing course) is hitting a critical stage ~ three assignments due in the next three weeks. Yikes.
And yes, I know that a lot of this stuff is very trivial ~ I know that there are millions of people out there dealing with much much worse. None of this stuff is life or death. And some of it is downright trivial (I do have the good grace to be ashamed of myself for whining about a chipped wine glass), but the pat-a-cake piling up of stuff at a time when my emotional reserves are low and my hormones kaleidoscopic makes for a bit of a mess.
There’s good stuff too, of course, when I remember to look for it. I went through one of my old notebooks the other day, and found a lot of really good stuff in there. So much so that if I hadn’t recognized my own handwriting I would have doubted that I’d written it.
And I’ve found a few new angles for Sonia (central protagonist of the WIP), a lot of which has come out of the recent disjointedness. The splinter of ice in this writer’s heart tells me that this will all be useable, once it’s cooled a little.
Finally, I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who pours restorative wine, lights soothing candles, does the washing up and has the safest warmest arms I’ve ever felt around me. And he loves me even when there’s snot running down my face and I’m an incoherent mess.
********************
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible ~ I look forward to visiting everyone’s blogs once the job / training applications are done and dusted.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Hi everyone,
Kate Harrison raised the issue of writing rituals in this weeks coffee break: I don't think I have any writing rituals or superstitions (other than keeping it all a closely guarded secret from everyone bar my fiance until i feel I'm at a strong enough point to start sharing). I write in longhand in notebooks with a fountain pen to start with, and then transfer it all onto my laptop, but I'm not sure if thats really a ritual or just the fact that I am a bit of a luddite.
WIP: I have made some progress, and also some not progress ~ the word count has ground to a near standstill as life is getting very very hectic (upcoming wedding ~ don't know if I mentioned it about a billion times or so, plus the usual "real life" stuff that clogs up the flow ~ I don't so much need a room of my own as a soundproof isolation chamber that locks from the inside. Maybe I can get one of those when I get the lottery win that will allow the day job to take a running jump....) so I am fairly behind on the novel, my A215 course and a short story I am working on too. I think i'll have the face facts that there will be very little headway made until after the honeymoon, but I only plan to marry once and so I'm gong to make sure that I really enjoy this.
So, little word count process, but the ideas are still bubbling ~ as this is the first novel I've tackled I don't quite know what i'm doing yet, and I came to realise that whilst the tension between my two main protagonists is central to my plot I don't quite know enough about my supporting cast of characters to provide a fully authentic "colouring in" of the rest. So any spare novel time this weekend will be spent "interviewing" my peripheral characters in order to beef them up a bit. I'll be doing some "hot seat" question and answer sessions just as soon as I've devised soem suitably searching questions.
Hope the sun is shining on you all, happy writing,
Kate
Kate Harrison raised the issue of writing rituals in this weeks coffee break: I don't think I have any writing rituals or superstitions (other than keeping it all a closely guarded secret from everyone bar my fiance until i feel I'm at a strong enough point to start sharing). I write in longhand in notebooks with a fountain pen to start with, and then transfer it all onto my laptop, but I'm not sure if thats really a ritual or just the fact that I am a bit of a luddite.
WIP: I have made some progress, and also some not progress ~ the word count has ground to a near standstill as life is getting very very hectic (upcoming wedding ~ don't know if I mentioned it about a billion times or so, plus the usual "real life" stuff that clogs up the flow ~ I don't so much need a room of my own as a soundproof isolation chamber that locks from the inside. Maybe I can get one of those when I get the lottery win that will allow the day job to take a running jump....) so I am fairly behind on the novel, my A215 course and a short story I am working on too. I think i'll have the face facts that there will be very little headway made until after the honeymoon, but I only plan to marry once and so I'm gong to make sure that I really enjoy this.
So, little word count process, but the ideas are still bubbling ~ as this is the first novel I've tackled I don't quite know what i'm doing yet, and I came to realise that whilst the tension between my two main protagonists is central to my plot I don't quite know enough about my supporting cast of characters to provide a fully authentic "colouring in" of the rest. So any spare novel time this weekend will be spent "interviewing" my peripheral characters in order to beef them up a bit. I'll be doing some "hot seat" question and answer sessions just as soon as I've devised soem suitably searching questions.
Hope the sun is shining on you all, happy writing,
Kate
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
(pre-) Dawn of the Dead
Word count so far this week = not much at all: I'm getting married soon, and myself and the fiancé have spent most available evenings and weekends on wedding stuff which never seems to end. It’s all very exciting, but very time consuming too.
On the plus side my new laptop EVENTUALLY arrived, so as soon as I have a few free evenings (which won't be until towards the end of the week as there are 120 invitations to be written over the next couple of evenings and my mum is running it like a military exercise) I can get on with the task of transcribing my reams and reams of handwritten stuff.
I am ruthlessly keeping the laptop internet free, as I have realised that I do not have the willpower to avoid trawling cyberspace for total crap in the name of "research". And despite the word count being low the words that did make in onto paper were written in a couple of early morning, pre breakfast sessions, and as a staunch non-morning person that’s some pretty impressive behaviour for me. I have come the realisation that if I am to commit many words to paper/screen over the next few months I am going to have to cultivate a fairly unshakeable daybreak attitude to my writing. It’s the only way in light of the tidal wave of bridal matters which will be slapping me full in the face between now and the wedding.
In fact, I am so resigned to the diminishing hours available for doing my two favorite things (running and writing, in case you’re wondering. Eating, sleeping and the other are going to have to go onto the back burner for a while!) That I even bopped out of bed at an ungodly hour this morning and attempted a quick three mile run. PRE-EIGHT A.M.!! My body hated it, and hated me for forcing it to do such an unspeakable thing at such an unspeakable hour. The rebellion took the form of a total refusal to co-operate, rather like a toddler that won't put its anorak on: legs and brain put up a fairly impressive protest, which I gamely ignored, so much so that the attack advanced and I developed a sort of temporary hysterical blindness in one eye. Nice. Anyway, I lived to tell the tale, and am feeling undeniably smug now (cos, you know, I ran three miles before 8 o’ clock this morning. I’ll shut up about it now….)
Hope you other racers are all speeding ahead ~ I have theatre tickets for tonight, so I see another early start for the writing tomorrow. Yawn.
On the plus side my new laptop EVENTUALLY arrived, so as soon as I have a few free evenings (which won't be until towards the end of the week as there are 120 invitations to be written over the next couple of evenings and my mum is running it like a military exercise) I can get on with the task of transcribing my reams and reams of handwritten stuff.
I am ruthlessly keeping the laptop internet free, as I have realised that I do not have the willpower to avoid trawling cyberspace for total crap in the name of "research". And despite the word count being low the words that did make in onto paper were written in a couple of early morning, pre breakfast sessions, and as a staunch non-morning person that’s some pretty impressive behaviour for me. I have come the realisation that if I am to commit many words to paper/screen over the next few months I am going to have to cultivate a fairly unshakeable daybreak attitude to my writing. It’s the only way in light of the tidal wave of bridal matters which will be slapping me full in the face between now and the wedding.
In fact, I am so resigned to the diminishing hours available for doing my two favorite things (running and writing, in case you’re wondering. Eating, sleeping and the other are going to have to go onto the back burner for a while!) That I even bopped out of bed at an ungodly hour this morning and attempted a quick three mile run. PRE-EIGHT A.M.!! My body hated it, and hated me for forcing it to do such an unspeakable thing at such an unspeakable hour. The rebellion took the form of a total refusal to co-operate, rather like a toddler that won't put its anorak on: legs and brain put up a fairly impressive protest, which I gamely ignored, so much so that the attack advanced and I developed a sort of temporary hysterical blindness in one eye. Nice. Anyway, I lived to tell the tale, and am feeling undeniably smug now (cos, you know, I ran three miles before 8 o’ clock this morning. I’ll shut up about it now….)
Hope you other racers are all speeding ahead ~ I have theatre tickets for tonight, so I see another early start for the writing tomorrow. Yawn.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Oh, what a beautiful morning......
....oh, yesterday was a beautiful day!
Actually, I've been having a lovely time since Monday evening (yes, sorry, that does sound unbearably smug and "Pollyanna"...). I spent ALL of monday evening reading and writing, which felt extremely satisying and productive. And then yesterday I made an early start as the fiance had to be up unfeasibly early for work, so i attempted some morning pages (ok, morning page, singular) despite the fact that my eyes were barely open. I've never quite got the hang of morning pages, so i wasn't best pleased to see them rear their head in A215: I attempted them previously when I was working through The Artist's Way, but I am really not a morning person so I've never managed to keep them up for very long. Plus, I have a friend who had a very nasty experience where uncensored subconscious outpourings + prying eyes of someone who really shouldn't have been looking = hideous big emotional mess. Hhhmm, might perservere with them a bit longer, as I can see the benefit, but I doubt i'll ever be able to write in a truly uncensored fashion....
Then yesterday evening I went for a lovely run of 5.55 miles. It was intended to be a 6-miler, but I had to snip a wee bitt off the end because I felt like I needed the loo. The only time I suffer from penis envy is when I'm caught short on a run....Anyway I reasoned I desereved the treat of not doing the last half mile as I has broken a personal record over the first 4.5 miles, and was feeling like I'd worked hard enough already. Its lovely now that it stay lighter for longer, and it was just heading into dusk as I set off, which makes everything look mauve and grey and pretty (even if I WAS running through an industrial estate!) Nice hot shower, steak sandwich and chips, Life on Mars on the TV ~ pretty perfect all round!
Fiance is out tonight so I will get a tonne of writing done. Think I've finally got my mojo back now that we're shaking off the cold clamp of winter. I have an assignment for A215 to do, so i'll get that done tonight and see if submission of our first tuorial pieces goes any way towards shaking awake the graveyard which is my online tutorial group...
