Some writers, it seems, are too prolific......
The Perils of Productivity
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
A post with no title as I am totally lacking in inspiration......
Ascot ~ I've never really 'got' it. And this has done little to convince me that it isn't a just a bunch of sozzled toffs and wannabes trying too hard to have 'fun' . There's a woman wearing a bathroom for a hat. (Now there's a sentence you don't get to type every single day). And a pork pie hat that is, you know, an actual pork pie. Oh, the wit.........
yeah, ok, I'm bitchy today ~ it's that very special lady' time for me, and whilst I tend not to suffer much from PMT (disclaimer: to verify the accuracy of this statement please consult my husband. His response may differ a jot) I am suffering a great deal from Lack of Being Pregnant. I'm less than 2 months away from what would have been my due date, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to face the fact that I'm unlikely to be pregnant again by the time August rolls around. Last night I threw myself the mother of all pity parties: a good cry, a giant glass of wine, a Mars chocolate muffin and 'The best of Echo & the Bunnymen'. Do I know how to rock it, or what?
Anyhoo, I'm getting on with typing up the longhand drafts of the WIP during my lunch-hour at work, as the chappy who sits next to me is off on holiday and therefore no-one can see my screen (why is it that what's on someone elses screen always seems so fascinating? I HATE people looking at what I'm typing ~ it's like the evil little critic who perches on my shoulder made flesh!). And it's Friday which means its the weekend (oh joy), & I have acupuncture tonight, which is bound to make me feel better (thought I doubt listening to me wail "WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? Why am i not pregnant yet??????" for half an hour is going to be the finest possible start to acupuncture lady's weekend).
yeah, ok, I'm bitchy today ~ it's that very special lady' time for me, and whilst I tend not to suffer much from PMT (disclaimer: to verify the accuracy of this statement please consult my husband. His response may differ a jot) I am suffering a great deal from Lack of Being Pregnant. I'm less than 2 months away from what would have been my due date, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to face the fact that I'm unlikely to be pregnant again by the time August rolls around. Last night I threw myself the mother of all pity parties: a good cry, a giant glass of wine, a Mars chocolate muffin and 'The best of Echo & the Bunnymen'. Do I know how to rock it, or what?
Anyhoo, I'm getting on with typing up the longhand drafts of the WIP during my lunch-hour at work, as the chappy who sits next to me is off on holiday and therefore no-one can see my screen (why is it that what's on someone elses screen always seems so fascinating? I HATE people looking at what I'm typing ~ it's like the evil little critic who perches on my shoulder made flesh!). And it's Friday which means its the weekend (oh joy), & I have acupuncture tonight, which is bound to make me feel better (thought I doubt listening to me wail "WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? Why am i not pregnant yet??????" for half an hour is going to be the finest possible start to acupuncture lady's weekend).
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Buy this book!
Not least cos I'm in it.
What a lovely surprise ~ I'd pretty much forgotten all about it, got back from my counselling session this morning feeling a little bit drained and fragile, so this was a fantastic boost!
You can buy the book here. £6 from each copy (£10 from each download version) goes to Warchild, a network of independent organisations, working across the world to help children affected by war.
I've ordered my copy, and i can't wait to read the other contributions.
Congrats also to fellow racers Debs, Helen, Jen, Leigh and Zinnia, who are all in there too.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I promised myself....
.... that I'd put myself on a cash-fast this month i.e. no more impulse buying of books to be added to the TBR pile, I'd bring my lunch into work instead of buying over-priced sandwiches, I'd eat all the food in the freeezer before I went out & did another shop.
And my big reward at the end of all of this frugality would be a lovely new laptop, to replace the one which spluttered to a halt about six months ago.
I've been good, very very good. Eating up all the odds and ends has resulted in some very unconventional (by which I barely edible) meals, and my postman no longer has a hernia from delivering many a weighty tome to me.
I ummed and aaahhed about the laptop, to be honest ~ do I really need it, or do I just want it? (my matra of the last few weeks). I decided I really did need it ~ I am filling up notebooks at a healthy pace, and I need to start typing up before it becomes unmanageable.
And then last night I was offered a FREE LAPTOP by my unbelieveably kind brother!
Which means, of course, that I have fallen off the save-a-holic wagon in a BIG way, and just filled my Amazon basket with many many goodies. Sorry, Mr Postie.......
And my big reward at the end of all of this frugality would be a lovely new laptop, to replace the one which spluttered to a halt about six months ago.
I've been good, very very good. Eating up all the odds and ends has resulted in some very unconventional (by which I barely edible) meals, and my postman no longer has a hernia from delivering many a weighty tome to me.
I ummed and aaahhed about the laptop, to be honest ~ do I really need it, or do I just want it? (my matra of the last few weeks). I decided I really did need it ~ I am filling up notebooks at a healthy pace, and I need to start typing up before it becomes unmanageable.
And then last night I was offered a FREE LAPTOP by my unbelieveably kind brother!
Which means, of course, that I have fallen off the save-a-holic wagon in a BIG way, and just filled my Amazon basket with many many goodies. Sorry, Mr Postie.......
Friday, May 23, 2008
Early bird
Having been shamed by the fact that I have slacked off a mere three days into my new running schedule (and Jen's 7am running!) I forced myself out of bed super early today, breakfasted on chocolate and Berrocca, and headed out for a pre-work run.
I am not, and fear I never will be, a morning person. It didn't go well....
On the plus side I've downloaded 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' onto my MP3 player ~ so i may not be a bouncing morning workout babe, but at least I got meself a bit of culture en route.
I am not, and fear I never will be, a morning person. It didn't go well....
On the plus side I've downloaded 'Girl with a Pearl Earring' onto my MP3 player ~ so i may not be a bouncing morning workout babe, but at least I got meself a bit of culture en route.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Don't you just hate it when.....
.....you dream a great solution to something that's been niggling you. You know you did, and the dream is crystal clear in every element EXCEPT the blooming thing you wanted the solution to?
I've been trying to do some automatic writing, to blow away a few of the cobwebs. My writing seems a little turgid, recently, and I thought a few blasts at an unself-cosncious writing style might help. Problem is, I can't seem to shut up the nit-picking voice that stalls me and tries to correct what I'm writing every ten seconds.
And then last night I cracked it ~ in a dream. I wrote reams and reams of dazzling stuff, and all because I'd found a way to slip straight into the 'zone'.
I woke up, thrilled ~ until I discovered that the most crucial bit of the dream ~ the 'how to' ~ was missing from my brain.
Anyone got any tips for successful automatic writing?
I've been trying to do some automatic writing, to blow away a few of the cobwebs. My writing seems a little turgid, recently, and I thought a few blasts at an unself-cosncious writing style might help. Problem is, I can't seem to shut up the nit-picking voice that stalls me and tries to correct what I'm writing every ten seconds.
And then last night I cracked it ~ in a dream. I wrote reams and reams of dazzling stuff, and all because I'd found a way to slip straight into the 'zone'.
I woke up, thrilled ~ until I discovered that the most crucial bit of the dream ~ the 'how to' ~ was missing from my brain.
Anyone got any tips for successful automatic writing?
Monday, May 12, 2008
Gulp!
I've just submitted ~ for the first time EVER ~ a piece to Mslexia. Under my real name.
I feel a bit sick, actually. But also rather proud of my bravery. Have utterly no belief that it will make it in, but I'm getting back on the submission horsey and starting to send stuff off, as I feel like I've done naff all in writing terms recently. Thats not strictly true, but I've been nowhere near focussed of late, and I need to get back into it.
It's been chaotic, the last few weeks.
The play wot I was in is done and dusted ~ thank Christ. Not a happy experience, overall, for lots & lots of reasons. Audiences loved it, mind you, but the rehearsal process was the most aggravating I've ever endured. I'll blog about it in more details when I've got a bit more perspective on that!
In other news, I've embarked upon a course of acupuncture, for stress relief, primarily, and I may well be addicted.
And I've started counselling, with regard to the miscarriage, as things were
getting harder, not easier, as time went on, and that ain't helping anyone or anything.
I've realised that I don't blog ~ or write ~ enough because I feel like I should have loads to say in order to make it worthwhile. And then I never get round to it.
So from now on snippets are the way forward for me.
Bite by bite.....
I feel a bit sick, actually. But also rather proud of my bravery. Have utterly no belief that it will make it in, but I'm getting back on the submission horsey and starting to send stuff off, as I feel like I've done naff all in writing terms recently. Thats not strictly true, but I've been nowhere near focussed of late, and I need to get back into it.
It's been chaotic, the last few weeks.
The play wot I was in is done and dusted ~ thank Christ. Not a happy experience, overall, for lots & lots of reasons. Audiences loved it, mind you, but the rehearsal process was the most aggravating I've ever endured. I'll blog about it in more details when I've got a bit more perspective on that!
In other news, I've embarked upon a course of acupuncture, for stress relief, primarily, and I may well be addicted.
And I've started counselling, with regard to the miscarriage, as things were
getting harder, not easier, as time went on, and that ain't helping anyone or anything.
I've realised that I don't blog ~ or write ~ enough because I feel like I should have loads to say in order to make it worthwhile. And then I never get round to it.
So from now on snippets are the way forward for me.
Bite by bite.....
Friday, April 04, 2008
Normal service.....
....will be resumed soon, i hope.
It's been an odd time for me, recently. The crappy happenings of a few months back have started to hit hard. Silly me, I assumed that once the initial crying and bleeding was over with it would be onwards and upwards. I am lucky in one respect, as i have had little experience of grief in my life. However this meant that I was blissfully unaware that grief is a sneaky little bastard. It lurks beneath the surface until you think you've got your head above water, and then it grabs you by the ankle, pulling you down before you've had a chance to grab your breath. So these last few months have been like wading through mud.
And yet, whilst part of me is emotionally sapped, I'm doing great in other areas ~ I made the long-list (although not the short-list) of a short story competition that i had forgotten I had entered, which was an unexpected boost.
And I'm writing a lot. The novel is a bit of a fluffy duvet, which I can wrap myself up in and be far far removed from all the cacky mundanity. I have got almost an entire notebook of longhand to type up, and I've added a few new characters. Really pleased with how its going.
Also, I'm back on stage, which is another extremely fluffy duvet to wardoff all the nasty reality. Short version: husband is a professional actor, and we met through the theatre. I used to be involved in a lot of productions both on and back-stage. And, if I may be so bold as to blow my own trumpet, I wasn't too shabby an actress. And then allsorts got in the way ~ working full time & doing a part-time degree, writing, planning the wedding, moving house and so on ~ and so in the last fours years I've only taken one part on stage. And then out of the blue I got offered a part in a new play. A big part. And of the other adults cast, I'm the only non-professional, which I'm taking to be quite a compliment. And it's great. There really is nothing like being someone else for a while to literally take you out of yourself.
So, a mixed bag, this last few months: some bits are up, some bits are down, and I'm just in the middle trying to make some sense of it all.
And I still can't shake the feeling that there's something amazing on the horizon....... :-)
It's been an odd time for me, recently. The crappy happenings of a few months back have started to hit hard. Silly me, I assumed that once the initial crying and bleeding was over with it would be onwards and upwards. I am lucky in one respect, as i have had little experience of grief in my life. However this meant that I was blissfully unaware that grief is a sneaky little bastard. It lurks beneath the surface until you think you've got your head above water, and then it grabs you by the ankle, pulling you down before you've had a chance to grab your breath. So these last few months have been like wading through mud.
And yet, whilst part of me is emotionally sapped, I'm doing great in other areas ~ I made the long-list (although not the short-list) of a short story competition that i had forgotten I had entered, which was an unexpected boost.
And I'm writing a lot. The novel is a bit of a fluffy duvet, which I can wrap myself up in and be far far removed from all the cacky mundanity. I have got almost an entire notebook of longhand to type up, and I've added a few new characters. Really pleased with how its going.
Also, I'm back on stage, which is another extremely fluffy duvet to wardoff all the nasty reality. Short version: husband is a professional actor, and we met through the theatre. I used to be involved in a lot of productions both on and back-stage. And, if I may be so bold as to blow my own trumpet, I wasn't too shabby an actress. And then allsorts got in the way ~ working full time & doing a part-time degree, writing, planning the wedding, moving house and so on ~ and so in the last fours years I've only taken one part on stage. And then out of the blue I got offered a part in a new play. A big part. And of the other adults cast, I'm the only non-professional, which I'm taking to be quite a compliment. And it's great. There really is nothing like being someone else for a while to literally take you out of yourself.
So, a mixed bag, this last few months: some bits are up, some bits are down, and I'm just in the middle trying to make some sense of it all.
And I still can't shake the feeling that there's something amazing on the horizon....... :-)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Freezing, but smiling
Hell, I know I'm pretty far north, but where is Spring, please? I am sick of being cold....and there's snow forecast for the Easter weekend.
So, in an attempt to cheer meself up I have shamelessly nicked Caroline's idea of a post about 34 things that make her smile. And so, in no particular order, we have:
1. home made soup
2. little round chocolates in bags (Maltesers, Revels, minstrels, et al)
3. my morning cup of strong tea, in my pint mug
4. waking up early
5. sticking on my running shoes and going for a challenging run…
6. …especially in my local park
7. puppies.
8. daffodils ~ such happy, happy faces
9. putting kitchen scraps into the wormery
10. pyjamas ~ I would wear nothing else, if possible... but people tend to point and laugh at you in the supermarket
11. the glass of wine on a Friday evening which signals the official start of the weekend….
12. ….to be sipped from one of my beeyootiful crystal glasses (engagement present from Grandma)
13. my husband
14. the crispy bits of cheese you get around the edge of a lasagne
15. a long hot bath
16. camomile and peppermint tea
17. being so absorbed by a book that you live it, breath it, dream about it
18. and deciding what to read next, after that one’s finished
19. my best friend
20. steak, with grilled onions and mushrooms
21. opening the curtains to see that the carpet of crocuses in my front garden is in full bloom
22. Seinfeld
23. making a ‘to do’ list….
24. … and then crossing things off it
25. unexpected compliments (giving and receiving them)
26. music, of (almost) any variety
27. detective novels
28. CSI Vegas and NY ~ but NOT Miami!
29. money in the bank
30. feather pillows and duvet
31. a new notebook
32. Waterman fountain pens
33. coincidence and synchronicity
34. rice pudding
So, what makes you smile?
So, in an attempt to cheer meself up I have shamelessly nicked Caroline's idea of a post about 34 things that make her smile. And so, in no particular order, we have:
1. home made soup
2. little round chocolates in bags (Maltesers, Revels, minstrels, et al)
3. my morning cup of strong tea, in my pint mug
4. waking up early
5. sticking on my running shoes and going for a challenging run…
6. …especially in my local park
7. puppies.
8. daffodils ~ such happy, happy faces
9. putting kitchen scraps into the wormery
10. pyjamas ~ I would wear nothing else, if possible... but people tend to point and laugh at you in the supermarket
11. the glass of wine on a Friday evening which signals the official start of the weekend….
12. ….to be sipped from one of my beeyootiful crystal glasses (engagement present from Grandma)
13. my husband
14. the crispy bits of cheese you get around the edge of a lasagne
15. a long hot bath
16. camomile and peppermint tea
17. being so absorbed by a book that you live it, breath it, dream about it
18. and deciding what to read next, after that one’s finished
19. my best friend
20. steak, with grilled onions and mushrooms
21. opening the curtains to see that the carpet of crocuses in my front garden is in full bloom
22. Seinfeld
23. making a ‘to do’ list….
24. … and then crossing things off it
25. unexpected compliments (giving and receiving them)
26. music, of (almost) any variety
27. detective novels
28. CSI Vegas and NY ~ but NOT Miami!
29. money in the bank
30. feather pillows and duvet
31. a new notebook
32. Waterman fountain pens
33. coincidence and synchronicity
34. rice pudding
So, what makes you smile?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Catching up.....
Not a huge amount done of the writing front of late ~ I've been felled by a rather vile projectile vomiting bug which has laid me low (but on the plus side my trousers are a wee bit looser, so silver lining and all that). The geyser-like qualities have subsided, but I'm quite run down, and it's all I can do to drag myself through to the end of the proper job work day at 5pm at the mo. Lots of ideas have floated through my slightly addled and dehydrated brain, though, so I've got lots to be cracking on with once i regain the strength to lift my pen again.
One of the best things about being ill is that bed rest and book reading are entirely compatible. So I've finished 'Behind the Scenes at the Museum', and WOW! I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm still seeing everything through the eyes of Ruby Lennox. I am in awe at Atkinson's ability to conceive of, such a complex family history and in such holistic, vivid detail. If you haven't read it, do so NOW!
I'm now reading 'In Search of Adam' ~ very powerful, and another admirably individual narrative voice. And the fact that it's set in my locality gives me a little frisson everytime I recognise a setting or place name.
I'm racing through ISOA, as it's so very 'readable'. Any recommendations for what I could read next?
One of the best things about being ill is that bed rest and book reading are entirely compatible. So I've finished 'Behind the Scenes at the Museum', and WOW! I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm still seeing everything through the eyes of Ruby Lennox. I am in awe at Atkinson's ability to conceive of, such a complex family history and in such holistic, vivid detail. If you haven't read it, do so NOW!
I'm now reading 'In Search of Adam' ~ very powerful, and another admirably individual narrative voice. And the fact that it's set in my locality gives me a little frisson everytime I recognise a setting or place name.
I'm racing through ISOA, as it's so very 'readable'. Any recommendations for what I could read next?
Monday, February 25, 2008
Violence is golden
So, No Country for Old Men won four Oscars.
Hhhhmmmm.
I am seemingly in a minority of one, given my dislike of the film. Not dislike, even, more total apathy. I sat in the cinema wondering is this was really the film which scored 94% on Rotten Tomatoes?
I found the juxtaposition of underplayed acting with a Tom & Jerry-esque level of violence somewhat jarring. And if character is destiny, please can someone tell me why none of the leads appeared to have any real motivation behind their actions? Moss was running from Chigurh because Chigurh was chasing Moss.
Maybe it's Cormac McCarthy I can't quite take to ~ I seem to recall skiving off uni the week were supposed to be studying All the Pretty Horses. Although I'm tempted to give it a go now. Anyone read it? Yay, or nay?
Speaking of reading, I'm currently reading Behind the Scenes at The Museum, and loving it. How did it take me so long to discover this? I'm already getting sad at the prospect of finishing it. Still, I've discovered a wonderful new author, so now I can add a fair few more books to the TBR pile, and drift ever further from my resolution to buy no more books until I've read all the ones in the house.
I predict a dramatic increase in the word count next week, following the finale of the shoutiest cooking show on TV, Masterchef. I am desperately addicted, and will be bereft without it next week. It's James' to throw away: Emily has made too many mistakes this week, and Jonny will no doubt seve up a variation on meat and potatoes like he does for nigh upon every meal.
Hhhhmmmm.
I am seemingly in a minority of one, given my dislike of the film. Not dislike, even, more total apathy. I sat in the cinema wondering is this was really the film which scored 94% on Rotten Tomatoes?
I found the juxtaposition of underplayed acting with a Tom & Jerry-esque level of violence somewhat jarring. And if character is destiny, please can someone tell me why none of the leads appeared to have any real motivation behind their actions? Moss was running from Chigurh because Chigurh was chasing Moss.
Maybe it's Cormac McCarthy I can't quite take to ~ I seem to recall skiving off uni the week were supposed to be studying All the Pretty Horses. Although I'm tempted to give it a go now. Anyone read it? Yay, or nay?
Speaking of reading, I'm currently reading Behind the Scenes at The Museum, and loving it. How did it take me so long to discover this? I'm already getting sad at the prospect of finishing it. Still, I've discovered a wonderful new author, so now I can add a fair few more books to the TBR pile, and drift ever further from my resolution to buy no more books until I've read all the ones in the house.
I predict a dramatic increase in the word count next week, following the finale of the shoutiest cooking show on TV, Masterchef. I am desperately addicted, and will be bereft without it next week. It's James' to throw away: Emily has made too many mistakes this week, and Jonny will no doubt seve up a variation on meat and potatoes like he does for nigh upon every meal.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
You're not the only one
The deadline for submissions for the charity anthology "You're not the only one" is looming, and i'm toying with submitting this piece (any crits more than welcome :-)) :
You’re not the only one. Happens all the time, quite common, really.
But it doesn’t happen all of the time to me. It’s not that common to me.
And at least now you know that you can conceive.
Thank you. But this was our baby, not a dress rehearsal.
I’m sure that everything will work out fine next time.
Are you? I wish I was. I’ve heard that before, in tones implying that I was a silly little thing, so anxious over a few spots of blood.
Its nature’s way, you know.
Ah, is it? And here’s me thinking I was being punished by some particularly vengeful god.
And at least it wasn’t born with something wrong with it.
We’ll crack open the bubbly.
It was probably for the best.
There have been a lot of ‘bests’ in my life so far. Losing my baby isn’t one of them.
I don’t know what to say.
No-one does. And that's just fine. There are no words that can make a difference. “Sorry” will do just fine
You’re not the only one. Happens all the time, quite common, really.
But it doesn’t happen all of the time to me. It’s not that common to me.
And at least now you know that you can conceive.
Thank you. But this was our baby, not a dress rehearsal.
I’m sure that everything will work out fine next time.
Are you? I wish I was. I’ve heard that before, in tones implying that I was a silly little thing, so anxious over a few spots of blood.
Its nature’s way, you know.
Ah, is it? And here’s me thinking I was being punished by some particularly vengeful god.
And at least it wasn’t born with something wrong with it.
We’ll crack open the bubbly.
It was probably for the best.
There have been a lot of ‘bests’ in my life so far. Losing my baby isn’t one of them.
I don’t know what to say.
No-one does. And that's just fine. There are no words that can make a difference. “Sorry” will do just fine
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Word of the day
hypnopompic (hip-no-POM-pik) adjective
Pertaining to the semiconscious state before waking.
[From Greek hypnos (sleep) + pompe (sending away).]
Lovely word, for a delicious gauzy part of the day ~ my favourite part of the day, perhaps :-)
I haven't been blogging much lately ~ I've felt the need to curl up into a wee ball and attempt a form of hibernation. In fact I've been fairly hypnopompic. Haven't done much running or writing either, and that is offically A Bad Thing. I have promised myself I'll be a bit more proactive next week. maybe. If it's a bit warmer.
The lovely Iain Banks tells us Why he writes in The Guardian:
Q: What advice would you give to new writers?
A: The Three Ps: practice, practice, practice. Writing is like everything else: the more you do it the better you get.
Gawd bless him. He speak the truth.
Pertaining to the semiconscious state before waking.
[From Greek hypnos (sleep) + pompe (sending away).]
Lovely word, for a delicious gauzy part of the day ~ my favourite part of the day, perhaps :-)
I haven't been blogging much lately ~ I've felt the need to curl up into a wee ball and attempt a form of hibernation. In fact I've been fairly hypnopompic. Haven't done much running or writing either, and that is offically A Bad Thing. I have promised myself I'll be a bit more proactive next week. maybe. If it's a bit warmer.
The lovely Iain Banks tells us Why he writes in The Guardian:
Q: What advice would you give to new writers?
A: The Three Ps: practice, practice, practice. Writing is like everything else: the more you do it the better you get.
Gawd bless him. He speak the truth.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Getting there
First and foremeost, heartfelt thanks to everyone who has passed on their kind thoughts following news of the miscarriage. I really do appreciate it.
And thank you to Zinnia for pointing me in the direction of Boob Pencil. So much of Clare's experince mirrors mine, and there's a comfort in reading about someone else going through, and ultimately coming out of the other side of, the same load of shit. "21 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is A Bit Rubbish" made me laugh, a lot, at a time when I didn't think I could manange to twitch the corners of my mouth into any semblance of jollity. The following excerpts were especially welcome [& I hope it's ok to reproduce this here?]:
(11) It goes on forever. I think most people assume (I certainly did) that you collapse in a big pile of blood for a few hours, and then it's all over. But no. It takes days, sometimes weeks, for it all to come out. And modern scanning techniques mean you often know (as we did) it's going to happen before it actually happens. So first you get the waiting. Then the bleeding. Then more waiting. More scans. More bleeding. And so on. It's rather tiresome.
(12) You don't get anything proper to grieve over, so you feel you have to gloss over it all the time. Unfortunately, your hormones don't agree.
(14) Babies and pregnancies and all related matters are fucking everywhere. You will not escape.
(15) It's a very common complaint. It doesn't even make you special. At least if I'd given birth to a half-horse-half-hippopotamous it would have given us something to talk about.
(19) People's faces. Ally said last week he didn't want to go into work cos he couldn't be arsed arranging his face. People are either too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. I don't want people to act like nothing's happened, but I don't want them fawning all over me either. Sorry folks, you're best avoiding me for a bit. I don't have an Etiquette Guide for this one, and I'll change my mind from one moment to the next.
(20) Sick leave. The pain and the bleeding come and go. The tears come and go. Sometimes I'm fine. I feel crap for taking all this time off work. But I really don't want to go to work. But I still feel guilty.
Number 20 is especially pertinent to me. I took all of last week off work. Coming back on Monday was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because I dreaded the sympathetic head tilt and wan smile that I’ve seen a thousand a day since it happened (see number 19 above), but because it marked the end of it all. Back to normality.
When I was pregnant I loved having this tiny little secret that I carried wth me everywhere. And even following the miscarriage everything in my life was still all about the baby and the pregnancy, albeit the loss thereof. I enjoyed (as far as possible, given the circumstances) my week of coccooned protection from reality. Things were still going on outside my four walls, but they didn’t touch me. I was safe, removed from it all. It was all still "special”, somehow. But starting the week on Monday was like someone had hit rewind, and I’d gone back in time two months, to the days before the wee one existed at all. And I hated that part of it, the sense of erasure. Things aren’t special anymore. My breasts don’t hurt, I don’t feel sick, I’m not exhausted. And I can’t talk to him in my head anymore, which I miss, because I used to do that all of the time.
But on the plus side I have thrown myself into reading (such an escapist pursuit) and writing (ditto), and I’ve been running again. In fact, on saturday I went running in my gorgeous local park. I was really enjoying the catharsis, until I bumped (not quite literally, but almost) into the lady from the hospital who peerformed my scans and had the unenviable job of telling me that there was no heartbeat. I ran away pretty fast, not least in case she told me off for runing 8 days aftr a miscarriage, but it shook me up quite considerably.
But I'm much much better now. I'll never be totally over it, but I'm getting as close to "over it" as I can.
And thank you to Zinnia for pointing me in the direction of Boob Pencil. So much of Clare's experince mirrors mine, and there's a comfort in reading about someone else going through, and ultimately coming out of the other side of, the same load of shit. "21 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is A Bit Rubbish" made me laugh, a lot, at a time when I didn't think I could manange to twitch the corners of my mouth into any semblance of jollity. The following excerpts were especially welcome [& I hope it's ok to reproduce this here?]:
(11) It goes on forever. I think most people assume (I certainly did) that you collapse in a big pile of blood for a few hours, and then it's all over. But no. It takes days, sometimes weeks, for it all to come out. And modern scanning techniques mean you often know (as we did) it's going to happen before it actually happens. So first you get the waiting. Then the bleeding. Then more waiting. More scans. More bleeding. And so on. It's rather tiresome.
(12) You don't get anything proper to grieve over, so you feel you have to gloss over it all the time. Unfortunately, your hormones don't agree.
(14) Babies and pregnancies and all related matters are fucking everywhere. You will not escape.
(15) It's a very common complaint. It doesn't even make you special. At least if I'd given birth to a half-horse-half-hippopotamous it would have given us something to talk about.
(19) People's faces. Ally said last week he didn't want to go into work cos he couldn't be arsed arranging his face. People are either too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. I don't want people to act like nothing's happened, but I don't want them fawning all over me either. Sorry folks, you're best avoiding me for a bit. I don't have an Etiquette Guide for this one, and I'll change my mind from one moment to the next.
(20) Sick leave. The pain and the bleeding come and go. The tears come and go. Sometimes I'm fine. I feel crap for taking all this time off work. But I really don't want to go to work. But I still feel guilty.
Number 20 is especially pertinent to me. I took all of last week off work. Coming back on Monday was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not because I dreaded the sympathetic head tilt and wan smile that I’ve seen a thousand a day since it happened (see number 19 above), but because it marked the end of it all. Back to normality.
When I was pregnant I loved having this tiny little secret that I carried wth me everywhere. And even following the miscarriage everything in my life was still all about the baby and the pregnancy, albeit the loss thereof. I enjoyed (as far as possible, given the circumstances) my week of coccooned protection from reality. Things were still going on outside my four walls, but they didn’t touch me. I was safe, removed from it all. It was all still "special”, somehow. But starting the week on Monday was like someone had hit rewind, and I’d gone back in time two months, to the days before the wee one existed at all. And I hated that part of it, the sense of erasure. Things aren’t special anymore. My breasts don’t hurt, I don’t feel sick, I’m not exhausted. And I can’t talk to him in my head anymore, which I miss, because I used to do that all of the time.
But on the plus side I have thrown myself into reading (such an escapist pursuit) and writing (ditto), and I’ve been running again. In fact, on saturday I went running in my gorgeous local park. I was really enjoying the catharsis, until I bumped (not quite literally, but almost) into the lady from the hospital who peerformed my scans and had the unenviable job of telling me that there was no heartbeat. I ran away pretty fast, not least in case she told me off for runing 8 days aftr a miscarriage, but it shook me up quite considerably.
But I'm much much better now. I'll never be totally over it, but I'm getting as close to "over it" as I can.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sad news
Sadly impending baby #1 is no longer impending.
On Thursday I had a further scan, as I had more slight bleeding. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat.
I was advised that I would need to undergo a medical procedure to remove the foetus and associated tissue. However on Friday morning nature took care of things, and I miscarried. It was harrowing, but somehow better than an operation, and helped me to feel as if it was "finalised".
Physically, I am recovering. Emotionally, I don't think it's quite sunk in yet ~ I'm still flooded with pregnancy hormones, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer pregnant.
My husband has been outstanding in his support and care of me. We are both extremely saddened, but hope to try again soon.
In telling people I've been astounded by the number of people who have been through the same thing, and I'm finding that rather comforting. The woman who hasn't miscarried on at least one occasion is few and far between, and the vast majority of those woman have gone on to have one or more healthy babies.
Thank you to everyone for their kind comments over the last few weeks. Hopefully there'll be more good news soon (but ONLY to be announced after the magical 12 week point.)
On Thursday I had a further scan, as I had more slight bleeding. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat.
I was advised that I would need to undergo a medical procedure to remove the foetus and associated tissue. However on Friday morning nature took care of things, and I miscarried. It was harrowing, but somehow better than an operation, and helped me to feel as if it was "finalised".
Physically, I am recovering. Emotionally, I don't think it's quite sunk in yet ~ I'm still flooded with pregnancy hormones, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer pregnant.
My husband has been outstanding in his support and care of me. We are both extremely saddened, but hope to try again soon.
In telling people I've been astounded by the number of people who have been through the same thing, and I'm finding that rather comforting. The woman who hasn't miscarried on at least one occasion is few and far between, and the vast majority of those woman have gone on to have one or more healthy babies.
Thank you to everyone for their kind comments over the last few weeks. Hopefully there'll be more good news soon (but ONLY to be announced after the magical 12 week point.)
Monday, January 07, 2008
Trust in the universe
Impending baby#1 has lead us to start clearing out a lot of the old rubbish from our spare bedroom (otherwise the baby will be sleeping in the garage).
In going through my many boxes of pointless old tat I was reminded just how pretentiously "New Age" I was in my younger years ~ embarrassingly so, in fact.
Over recent years I've become much less hippy dippy ~ maybe it's age, although I think my psychology degree went a long way towards instilling a hefty dose of scientific pragmatism into me.
But I haven't lost that side of myself completely. There's still a part of me that believes that if you take a leap of faith, with the best of intentions, then the universe will throw a safety net beneath you.
Yesterday we had quite a harried day ~ I've entered the headaches and mood swings part of pregnancy, which is bringing much joy to husband and myself. We have been very worried about money ~ how we will afford the essential renovations needed to the house prior to the birth, how we will afford the mortgage once I'm reduced to Statutory Maternity Pay, how we will afford childcare once I go back to work....... And after many tears, recriminations and frantic calculations, I decided that we just had to trust that things would be alright. There are lots of people a lot worse off than ourselves, and they manage. Something would turn up, though i couldn't envisage what that would be.
And, unbeliveably, it did. This morning. Access to a wee pot of money which will see us through the renovations and ease the financial strain of my reduced maternity income.
I have never been so relieved, or so grateful. I owe an enormous "thank you" to someone or something, somewhere. So lets call that someone or something the universe.
You can take the girl out of the New Age.....
In going through my many boxes of pointless old tat I was reminded just how pretentiously "New Age" I was in my younger years ~ embarrassingly so, in fact.
Over recent years I've become much less hippy dippy ~ maybe it's age, although I think my psychology degree went a long way towards instilling a hefty dose of scientific pragmatism into me.
But I haven't lost that side of myself completely. There's still a part of me that believes that if you take a leap of faith, with the best of intentions, then the universe will throw a safety net beneath you.
Yesterday we had quite a harried day ~ I've entered the headaches and mood swings part of pregnancy, which is bringing much joy to husband and myself. We have been very worried about money ~ how we will afford the essential renovations needed to the house prior to the birth, how we will afford the mortgage once I'm reduced to Statutory Maternity Pay, how we will afford childcare once I go back to work....... And after many tears, recriminations and frantic calculations, I decided that we just had to trust that things would be alright. There are lots of people a lot worse off than ourselves, and they manage. Something would turn up, though i couldn't envisage what that would be.
And, unbeliveably, it did. This morning. Access to a wee pot of money which will see us through the renovations and ease the financial strain of my reduced maternity income.
I have never been so relieved, or so grateful. I owe an enormous "thank you" to someone or something, somewhere. So lets call that someone or something the universe.
You can take the girl out of the New Age.....
Thursday, January 03, 2008
A post with no title ..... cos I can't think of one.
It has just occurred to me that the blog title here is incredibly outdated, given that The DeadBeats novel floundered some time back and is currently in a coma, possibly to be reawakened at some unspecified point in the future. Ah well, I don't think you can change them on blogger (although if anyone knows different, please share!)
I know it's premature, but i LOVE 2008! It's been a rather sparkling start to the new year for me so far:
* Got my first 1000 words off to The "Wannabe a writer?" novel opening competition. Seriously doubt it will get anywhere (I lost track of the days due to the Christmassy suspension of real time, and ended up hastily editing it early saturday morning before diving into the post office to catch the post en route to a wedding. Not the ordered and considered approach I would have preferred). Of course, this was technically 2007, but I'm counting it as 2008 as that is when the judging will commence.
* Lots of writing done so far this year. And we're only 3 days in. Hurrah!
* Have not wigged out, panicked, or been unbalanced and control-freaky in any way shape or form yet.
* I'm pregnant so I don't have to bother pretending that I'll try and lose weight this year. Bring on the rice pudding!
* Looking back over 2007 I achieved, or made progress on, all of my goals. Yee-haw!
2008 is going to be a good 'un. I can just tell.
I know it's premature, but i LOVE 2008! It's been a rather sparkling start to the new year for me so far:
* Got my first 1000 words off to The "Wannabe a writer?" novel opening competition. Seriously doubt it will get anywhere (I lost track of the days due to the Christmassy suspension of real time, and ended up hastily editing it early saturday morning before diving into the post office to catch the post en route to a wedding. Not the ordered and considered approach I would have preferred). Of course, this was technically 2007, but I'm counting it as 2008 as that is when the judging will commence.
* Lots of writing done so far this year. And we're only 3 days in. Hurrah!
* Have not wigged out, panicked, or been unbalanced and control-freaky in any way shape or form yet.
* I'm pregnant so I don't have to bother pretending that I'll try and lose weight this year. Bring on the rice pudding!
* Looking back over 2007 I achieved, or made progress on, all of my goals. Yee-haw!
2008 is going to be a good 'un. I can just tell.
Monday, December 31, 2007
David Mitchell: Why I write
What advice would you give to new writers?
A maximum of one killer metaphor or simile per page should be ample, and watch out for the word "seem": it debases one's own currency, somehow. Think about how the writers who you love manage to make you love them. Prose that contains too many sentences beginning with the word "I" soon gets as tedious as people who begin too many sentences with the word "I".
I'll be adding the above to the writing resolutions. This eveing will be spent tippling on non-alcoholic champers (tastes vaguely of dry roasted peanuts, weirdly) and finalising the list of "Things to do in 2008", before putting it somewhere for safe-keeping, never to be seen again by human eye.
Put up or Shut up, Susan Hill (sort of) implored in the most recent post of her online Creative Writing course. This year I'll be putting up, and will be a veritable writing demon. The impending arrival of baby #1 has given me a focus and deadline that I have lacked previously.
Feeling very very optimistic about 2008!
What advice would you give to new writers?
A maximum of one killer metaphor or simile per page should be ample, and watch out for the word "seem": it debases one's own currency, somehow. Think about how the writers who you love manage to make you love them. Prose that contains too many sentences beginning with the word "I" soon gets as tedious as people who begin too many sentences with the word "I".
I'll be adding the above to the writing resolutions. This eveing will be spent tippling on non-alcoholic champers (tastes vaguely of dry roasted peanuts, weirdly) and finalising the list of "Things to do in 2008", before putting it somewhere for safe-keeping, never to be seen again by human eye.
Put up or Shut up, Susan Hill (sort of) implored in the most recent post of her online Creative Writing course. This year I'll be putting up, and will be a veritable writing demon. The impending arrival of baby #1 has given me a focus and deadline that I have lacked previously.
Feeling very very optimistic about 2008!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Best Christmas present ever!
Back from the hospital, and all is well.I saw my baby, and their tiny little heart was beating away like billy-o. That's him / her posing for the camera on the left :-)
From the size, they have dated the little sprog at seven weeks and one day, so slightly younger than we thought.
I don't think I have ever felt so relieved in all of my life. Ah, the joys of parenthood! I'm sure this is just the first of many, many worries about the wee one.....
Tenterhooks....
Although I haven't "officially" announced it, most people have deciphered my shamelessly obvious hints and concluded, correctly, that I am pregnant. Eight weeks, to be exact, which I know is prior to the golden public deadline of twelve weeks, but I just couldn't help myself. We've told family and close friends, given that the impending festive season was going to make my sipping of a soda water look thoroughly "bah, humbug!" otherwise.
Today is going to be the longest day of my life. I've been awake since around 5 a.m., and I've been counting down the hours for the last two days. At 3p.m. I am booked for an early scan, as I experienced some bleeding earlier in the week ~ very light, and not accompanied by any pain (this is apparently a good sign, according to the 4000 websites I have pored over for the last few days) .
It has happened on three occassions now, and being a highly-strung worrying type I am beside myself.
I have convinced myself that I no longer "feel" pregnant ~ the sickness has subsided, the breast tenderness that would keep me awake half the night has disappeared ~ and so I am reconciled to the worst outcome. At least that way any good news will be a bonus.
Only four more hours, and I'll know if my little bean is still hanging on in there. This will either be the best or worst Christmas I've ever had.
Apologies for the lack of festive tone to this post, but I felt the need to get it all out there.
Update will follow as soon as is feasible.
Today is going to be the longest day of my life. I've been awake since around 5 a.m., and I've been counting down the hours for the last two days. At 3p.m. I am booked for an early scan, as I experienced some bleeding earlier in the week ~ very light, and not accompanied by any pain (this is apparently a good sign, according to the 4000 websites I have pored over for the last few days) .
It has happened on three occassions now, and being a highly-strung worrying type I am beside myself.
I have convinced myself that I no longer "feel" pregnant ~ the sickness has subsided, the breast tenderness that would keep me awake half the night has disappeared ~ and so I am reconciled to the worst outcome. At least that way any good news will be a bonus.
Only four more hours, and I'll know if my little bean is still hanging on in there. This will either be the best or worst Christmas I've ever had.
Apologies for the lack of festive tone to this post, but I felt the need to get it all out there.
Update will follow as soon as is feasible.
